if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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