Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
