why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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