just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
