I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
