i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
