I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Oh god it's open bar.
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