bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Randomize