I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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