Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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