We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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