i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
