Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
