Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
