I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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