I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
