Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
