I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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