My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
