In the future we'll all be gay
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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