dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
