Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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