He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
