so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
