Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
