I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
