i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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