Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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