No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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