He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
