I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
