You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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