Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
