I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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