Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
