ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
