ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
