dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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