and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
