Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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