I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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