So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
