She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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