you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
