For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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