It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize