I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
