i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
