my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize