I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
