There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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