So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
