we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
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