I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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