He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
