How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize