Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
