Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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