Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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