he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
