Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize