I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
