i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
