Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Drunk is a universal language darling
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
