I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
