rhymes with "ouble enetration"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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