Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
it's like iHOP with fire
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
