How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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