I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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