you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize