I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Drunk is not a location!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
